How To Meet Mom Friends

I hear from so many moms how hard it is to make mom friends.  I agree, it can be.  But it doesn’t have to be.  I’m no expert in this area but I’ve put together a quick list of ways I suggest making mom friends.  I understand this list may not be for everyone.  But if you’re a train wreck mother looking for her tribe, you may find this helpful.

1. Smear some ketchup on your butt.  Walk by.  Drop something.  Bend over in front of her to pick it up.  If she doesn’t tell you there’s something on your butt – total girl code fail.  Move along.  You don’t want to be friends with her.
2. When in public, if your child isn’t listening, threaten to stab him in the eyeball with a Capri sun straw.  If the other moms gasp in horror, these are not your people.
3. Crack open a White Claw at your son’s football practice.  Offer one to the mom next to you.  If she gives you a judgy look and says no, do not befriend her.  If she accepts, cheers!  Drink up - then share an uber.
4. Next time you lose your shit on your kids at the grocery store, do a quick sweep of the produce section.  If you see a mom shaking her head at you, push your overly large awkward stupid ass car cart in the opposite direction while mentally giving her the finger. If she sighs in exhaustion and looks at you sympathetic, she gets it.  Make friends.  Be exhausted together.
5. If you see a mom out with her children and her hair is perfect and makeup is flawless – don’t be judgy.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.  Ask her how she pulls that shit off.  If she says, “Oh, I always look like this.” Then either 1.  She’s lying – and you don’t want to be friends with a liar.  Or 2.  She’s not human.  Run away before she snatches you up and hauls you off in her UFO.  If she says, “I finally took my first shower of the week and had an extra 10 minutes to get ready before picking them up from preschool.” Exchange numbers.
6. Go to a PTA meeting.  Just go.  Sit silently and watch.  They’ll sort themselves out.  You’ll see.
7. When your son drops his drawers to his ankles and pisses in the middle of the park, make friends with the mom that laughs and says “boys will be boys” not the one who repulsively shields her child’s eyes while making a face that looks like she just ate spam from the can.  You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
8. Host a party.  Invite a few potential mom friends.  Don’t tell them it’s a test – make sure you use the word ‘party’.  Offer them a drink.  If they say tea and it’s after 5:00 pm, light your couch on fire to evacuate them from your house.  If they say tea-quila, you’ve found your soulmate.
9. Go to your child’s high school orientation.  Stay for the Q & A.  If a mom asks what classes their child should take if they aspire to be a bio chemical nuclear engineering lawyering doctoring CFO of the universe do not even make eye contact.  These people are so out of your league.  If they ask what classes their child should take to become an organizer at Bath & Body Works, not only will you get along but your children will be fast friends.  It's a win/win.
10. And my last bit of humble but solid advice is start a blog.  If they follow you, like your posts and pretend you’re funny and your parenting is normal THEY ARE FRIENDS FOR LIFE.