Bad Checks, Suspended License & A Maxi Pad

Ohhh what a night.

Where do I begin?

I guess with this text.

Yeah.  So, I'm leaving work to rush home to grab 1 & 3 to take them shopping for clothes to wear to the funeral this week.  Of course, I'm leaving work later than planned which shortens my time to get this done.  Oh, and I also have a curfew to meet because the husband has to work tonight. So, as I'm sitting in the god awful rush hour traffic - which by the way is a stupid ass name for it considering no one is rushing anywhere because we're all just sitting on the effing interstate like it's a park and ride - when I receive the above text.

I call him, make sure he is okay and there weren't any kids in the truck.  All is fine...well, except the truck, of course.  It now has a jacked up bumper that goes nicely with the chalk scratches 3 inflicted on the paint job over the summer.  He's not happy.  But it could be worse...it could be chalk scratches.

We hang up because the police finally arrive after waiting half an hour.  He just needs them to write up the report for the insurance company so he can pickup 4 from daycare and get home to take 2 and his friend to basketball practice.

Then I get this text.

Me:  Wait.  What?  The lady rear ended YOU...now YOU are getting a ticket?  For what?

Kevin:  Driving on a suspended license.

Me:  Ummm...WHAT???  You've never even had a speeding ticket.  How in the hell did your license get suspended???

Kevin:  The cop said something about 'insufficient funds' and my driver's license.  I guess it's from writing that bad check in July when I had to renew my license.

Me:  WHAAAAAT????

My crime free husband from 5 minutes ago is now driving on a suspended license AND writing bad checks!?  Who the F am I married to???

Then he explains.

It began 2 years ago.  We were out of checks.  I ordered more from Costco.  Costco effed up and transposed 2 numbers in our account number they printed on the checks.  I discovered this after I received a returned check from the bank.  I immediately called Costco and they immediately sent me new checks.  Kevin thought he got rid of all of the bad checks.  Fast forward to July.  Kevin needs to renew his license.  TODAY.  Because he always waits until the last minute for everything.  I'm at work with the checkbook.  No worries, he'll just grab a new book of checks and head to the BMV.  Except, he did NOT throw all of the bad checks away and he DID grab the wrong book of checks.

So, off to the BMV he goes where he unknowingly writes a bad check.  A week later, we get a notice in the mail that his check was returned.  Knowing there's plenty of money in the account - and by plenty, I mean there's at least $50 to cover the $40 check - we begin to think.  Then the light bulb goes off.  I tell him to bring me his checkbook.  I check the account number and sure enough it's the wrong checkbook.

Awesomeness.

He goes straight to the BMV the next day, explains what happened, pays cash for his license and the extra fees he racked up over this fiasco, and moves on.

Moved right on to today.  Apparently the BMV took his cash but never released the suspension they put on his license.

Freaking fantastic.

The officer was kind enough to not cite him for it since he had a clean record but he told him not to drive until it was cleared up.  Then the officer tells him *wink wink* he's going back the way he came so Kevin could drive off in the opposite direction without the officer 'seeing' him.  The cop drives off, Kevin pulls into Silverlake.  He parks, he calls me to give me an update.  Suddenly, he has to go because the officer is back.  What?  He's back?  Why is he back?

HE CAME BACK TO GIVE HIM A TICKET!!!

WHAAAAAT???

He said he wasn't going to cite him but when he called it in they told him he had to.  He said they would most likely dismiss the ticket once Kevin got everything straightened out but no guarantees.  He also told him not to drive under any circumstances until he got his license reinstated.

So there sits Kevin, in the daycare parking lot, with the police behind him, calling an uber.  He had to pick up #4 from preschool and load him and his little booster seat into an Uber to bring them home because his license is suspended for writing bad checks.

FATHER.  OF.  THE.  YEAR.  YA'LL.

Meanwhile, I'm out shopping with 1 & 3 like a crazed contestant on Supermarket Sweep so they don't have to attend a funeral in their pajamas and 2 has basketball practice and no way to get there.  Kevin calls in friends for backup who graciously jump in and pick up our stranded kid while Kevin Ubers home with 4.

I finally find enough clothes to piece together a few outfits and make it home with minutes to spare before the next Uber shows up to take my outlaw husband to work.

I still have homework to do with 3, suitcases to pack for 4 kids and myself, teeth to brush, kids to put to bed and work to do.  We won't even mention the fact that 1 & 3 didn't even have dinner unless you count the Great American Cookie and Icee they each had at the mall.

I make it through homework and teeth brushing and am ready to throw their pajamas on them and rush them off to bed so I can tackle the rest of my to-do list.

Except I come across the next problem.  We are completely out of pull-ups and we have a bed wetter that could fill up Lake Erie over night.  I'm not about to go back out.  I still have suitcases to pack and work to do and honestly, I'm too freaking exhausted to make another half hour trip for pull-ups.  And it's not like my non-driving husband can bail me out.  So, I came up with the next best thing.

Yes, A MAXI PAD

My son is soundly sleeping with a maxi pad in his drawers right now.  There is no shame in my maxi-pad-mom-game because I STILL have to pack, grab a nap, get 4 kids to 4 different schools tomorrow, work half the day, round up 4 kids from 4 different schools, pick up the dog and the husband and drive 2 1/2 hours to the funeral home.  Do I care that my son may need therapy for this some day?  Nope.  Why?  Because I'll just have his dad write a bad check for it and ship him off in an Uber to see his shrink.  Because apparently that's how we do things around here.